Tangled up in Blue
OK friends. We need you. We need your prayers, your thoughts, your energy, your good vibes, your contacts.
The house still hasn't sold...in fact no one has even looked at it. At the price we have it on the market for, we are practically giving it away and will be LUCKY if we don't end up owing on it. Every day it is a struggle for me to keep up with the work of keeping it "show ready". I struggle with letting Griffin have a go with his toys when I know how much time it takes me to pick up after him. I struggle with keeping the beds made, dishes washed, laundry put away, counter tops cleared, floors mopped, grass free of dog poopies, glass smudge free and still enjoying my time with this precious 3 year old. I struggle with facing the unknown...wanting to sell this house so bad, but not ready to let go of our home...especially without another one ready and waiting.
I am suffering HUGE burnout from my job. The closer we get to moving, the less invested I feel there. Now all the petty bullshit that spreads through there like a California wildfire, quickly and forcefully engulfing everyone in its wake, is just annoying and disheartening. I'm tired of ignoring it because I just don't want to be there anymore. I need to find a way to cope with being there for 2-3 more months.
I am still struggling with fertility. Griffin was so easy to conceive that the time spent trying for this baby has been shocking for us. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, of being "bad" somehow by not getting pregnant quickly. I feel guilty that we waited until after Griffin was 2 to start trying, like we missed the window or something. I feel guilty for not having provided Griffin with a sibling to interact with earlier, now that he seems almost desperate to be around other kids. I cringe each time a well meaning friend asks us when we will have another one. I try to keep replaying the mantra's that you all have told me "babies come when they are ready, it will happen at the right time, just relax and it will happen" but those statements don't soothe the rough edges anymore. And before you ask, no we have not seen a fertility specialist yet, we plan to wait until we have been trying for a year and are settled in a new community.
The only thing that is going well is Bruce's job search for a echosonographer position. Although, we haven't seen many jobs in our 3 target areas (Fort Wayne, IN; Knoxville, TN; southern Oregon) Bruce has gotten many responses to his resumes that are posted around the web. If any of you know anyone that works in a hospital that we could use as a contact (especially in our target areas) we would love to know them.
And so, to top off this mountain of misery I'm feeling, I was bit by a venomous insect while I slept this weekend. I have a huge sore on my face at the sight of the bite and the right side of my face is very swollen. I saw a doctor who thinks it could be a brown recluse spider bite (although I am doubtful that it is). I am on 2 forms of antibiotics and hoping for some improvement soon. It is a throbbing, stinging pain but most of all it is ugly. I feel so self-conscious about it the few times I have had to leave the house it has brought me to tears.
So, usually on this blog I have followed my mother's rule, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But, I feel that I have shared all the exciting and beautiful things that have happened in our life over the last year and that it might be good to show the other side. Offer perspective or something. I know that this will pass, that something good will happen, it always does. In the end, in my heart, I know my face will heal, we will get rid of the house and move this summer and at some point, some way, Bruce and I will parent another child.
But right now I feel gloomy.
The house still hasn't sold...in fact no one has even looked at it. At the price we have it on the market for, we are practically giving it away and will be LUCKY if we don't end up owing on it. Every day it is a struggle for me to keep up with the work of keeping it "show ready". I struggle with letting Griffin have a go with his toys when I know how much time it takes me to pick up after him. I struggle with keeping the beds made, dishes washed, laundry put away, counter tops cleared, floors mopped, grass free of dog poopies, glass smudge free and still enjoying my time with this precious 3 year old. I struggle with facing the unknown...wanting to sell this house so bad, but not ready to let go of our home...especially without another one ready and waiting.
I am suffering HUGE burnout from my job. The closer we get to moving, the less invested I feel there. Now all the petty bullshit that spreads through there like a California wildfire, quickly and forcefully engulfing everyone in its wake, is just annoying and disheartening. I'm tired of ignoring it because I just don't want to be there anymore. I need to find a way to cope with being there for 2-3 more months.
I am still struggling with fertility. Griffin was so easy to conceive that the time spent trying for this baby has been shocking for us. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, of being "bad" somehow by not getting pregnant quickly. I feel guilty that we waited until after Griffin was 2 to start trying, like we missed the window or something. I feel guilty for not having provided Griffin with a sibling to interact with earlier, now that he seems almost desperate to be around other kids. I cringe each time a well meaning friend asks us when we will have another one. I try to keep replaying the mantra's that you all have told me "babies come when they are ready, it will happen at the right time, just relax and it will happen" but those statements don't soothe the rough edges anymore. And before you ask, no we have not seen a fertility specialist yet, we plan to wait until we have been trying for a year and are settled in a new community.
The only thing that is going well is Bruce's job search for a echosonographer position. Although, we haven't seen many jobs in our 3 target areas (Fort Wayne, IN; Knoxville, TN; southern Oregon) Bruce has gotten many responses to his resumes that are posted around the web. If any of you know anyone that works in a hospital that we could use as a contact (especially in our target areas) we would love to know them.
And so, to top off this mountain of misery I'm feeling, I was bit by a venomous insect while I slept this weekend. I have a huge sore on my face at the sight of the bite and the right side of my face is very swollen. I saw a doctor who thinks it could be a brown recluse spider bite (although I am doubtful that it is). I am on 2 forms of antibiotics and hoping for some improvement soon. It is a throbbing, stinging pain but most of all it is ugly. I feel so self-conscious about it the few times I have had to leave the house it has brought me to tears.
So, usually on this blog I have followed my mother's rule, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But, I feel that I have shared all the exciting and beautiful things that have happened in our life over the last year and that it might be good to show the other side. Offer perspective or something. I know that this will pass, that something good will happen, it always does. In the end, in my heart, I know my face will heal, we will get rid of the house and move this summer and at some point, some way, Bruce and I will parent another child.
But right now I feel gloomy.
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