"We have about 5 weeks left till the Sprout makes her appearance, and not a minute too soon. I have hit the VERY UNCOMFORTABLE stage of my pregnancy. I had been doing pretty well, embracing the hormone surges, enjoying the quiet of the night when I wake up to her kicking, focusing on the life giving that my body is doing. But now, ugh, I am OVER IT! I think part of it is that we have had some bad news that left me feeling emotionally devastated. [For those that don't know, I've had gestational diabetes with both my pregnancys and I attempt to control the disease through diet, excerise and oral doses of insulin.] My blood sugars have been all over the place the last few weeks, which makes me feel guilty like I am doing something wrong, which makes me stop eating all together so that I can see the sugar numbers go down. That, of course, has caused me to lose weight instead of gain it which totally freaks the Dr.
out and she firmly believes that my diet will do nothing to effect the disease at this point. It is kind of a really bad circle I've entered in. The big problem being that if the sugars don't stay put I am going to have to start injecting insulin which SUCKS!! High sugars = baby grows too thick in abdomen = high risk of stillborn or early delivery (typically resulting in the baby having underdeveloped lungs). Even though I am losing weight, Sprout is staying on track developmentally which we are so thankful for. We also found out that there are some issues about where the placenta has attached to the uterus that is now putting me in some
danger of losing my uterus if I went into a natural childbirth. That pretty much slammed the door shut on the possibility of a vaginal delivery, which really hurts, that is a tough thing for me to let go of. It just doesn't feel right to choose your child's Birth Day. I am coming to terms with it slowly though, trying to trust the Dr., my body, Sprout's strength. I mean, I really would like to keep my uterus and for both of us to come out of this healthy, you know? It all gets wrapped up in my brain. Like breastfeeding, we as women have been expected all our lives to perform these tasks without problem because that is our spiritual/evalutional/social responsibility so when there are problems it makes me feel like I am somehow less of a women, a failure of the feminine magic. I know that is silly, but it is a battle to fight those ugly
voices. It is sooooo worth it though, for the blessing that is a child, this child, who has picked me to be her Mama, who knows I am the best one for her, imperfections and all."
These are hard thoughts for me to share...I am not really sure why, but it is. I did share them because it is part of who I am, what I am dealing with, my leagacy. So that is the news for the moment. I am hanging in there, eager to hold my baby. We have been working on her room and that makes her arrival feel all the more anticipated! OK, gotta run, we are having our Valentine's Day party at the library today (it was cancelled last week due to ice.)
So, I think it is time for a Sprout update. We've had some tough weeks and I finally feel ready to share it a little bit. In fact, earlier this week, my sister had asked me how the pregnancy was going and I spewed it all out to her in an e-mail. To save myself the emotionally draining task of retelling this story, I am going to just give you an excerpt here of my response to her.